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The following
is an excerpt from
Next
Steps. It is provided as a
sample of
what is included in the “How to Talk with Loved Ones” section. More
information is included in the booklet.
How to
Talk with Loved Ones about
Five Wishes
We want our loved ones to
be healthy and happy and live forever. No one
wants to think of a family member becoming seriously ill.
That would make us feel sad, depressed and uncomfortable.
Five Wishes
is a document that helps family members talk with each other about
these difficult subjects and gives them the peace of mind that comes
with knowing what their loved ones want, and expect from them, if
they become very sick.
Before
Five Wishes was
developed, that discussion used to go something like this: “Mom, may I ask you
something? If you ever go into a coma, do you
want a feeding tube or a respirator? How
depressing! No wonder very few families
talked about this subject. When dying is
treated like a medical event, no one wants to discuss it.
With
Five Wishes,
the discussion is made easier because the document shows you a series of choices you loved
ones will have if they ever get seriously ill. It
gives you a “checklist” of ideas to discuss so that you can know everything that
is important to them, including their personal, emotional and spiritual wishes.
Depending on how difficult
it may be to raise the subject with a person, you may want to raise it indirectly first,
and then bring it up later for discussion. Or
you may be able to raise the subject very directly.
Here are some different
approaches:
-
“I was watching a TV
show last night. There was this woman on life
support and her family was arguing about what to do about it. I thought about one of us in that situation and
realized I didn’t know what you would want. What
would you want?”
-
“I know you are in
good health, and I hope you live to be 100. But
just in case you get sick, I would like to know a few things so I can help you if you need
me. I’m going to leave
you a copy of Five Wishes and let’s talk about it after you’ve looked it over.”
How to follow up:
Be gentle but persistent.
It is very normal for people to avoid this discussion, and so don’t be surprised if
you don’t succeed on your first try. That’s
especially true if you have never brought up this subject with your loved one before. But sooner or later the right opportunity will
come and you’ll be glad you kept trying. You
can always change the subject and bring it up later if the discussion gets too difficult
or too emotional.
An example of what you can
say:
“It looks like this isn’t a good time to talk about your
wishes. Let’s talk later.”
Remember that the above is
only an excerpt from
Next
Steps.
Much more information is
contained in the document.
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